Drops in the Bucket

Today I know - just know - that I'm going to be okay.


And I just wanted to write it down and remember.

I went to see New Moon.

( If you're a fan, don't click this, because even though we don't agree, I'd like us still to be friends. )


Mostly I realise that despite the fact I'm only nineteen, I'm totally the wrong demographic for this movie. You know how I know?

I'm not Team Edward. I'm not Team Jacob, either.


I'm Team Charlie Swaaaaaan.

Yep, me and the sister agreed that we'd far rather have Bella's father than either of the two leading boys. Give me stability and plaid shirts over melodrama and "it's for your own good" any day.

I bet he's a hotass under that moustache, too.

Scholarship ceremony was today. I was awarded a special prize for my poetic contribution to the school magazine, which nobody knew was going to happen until it did. Someone cheered when I climbed onto the stage.

The fire-bell went, half-way through, and we new alumni stood around in our suits and starched skirts, looking at one another and feeling strange and exposed. Because we were adults, and we were young pretenders in ties and fine jewellery, trapped in one strange moment, all together.

How about that, someone said, and we laughed, aching a little.




Tonight, under the stairs, we found a home video belonging to a family that isn't us.

We watched the kids win a Hallowe'en costume contest. One of their uncles dressed up as Santa. Family members delivered skittish, embarrassed dialogue to camera, squinting.

We have no idea where the tape came from, or why we had it.

I wanted to shut it off, but I couldn't. In silence, we were absorbed - the petty realities of family life, foreign and familiar. How strange it is, every time we remember that every second of every day there are a billion parallel existences, separate to our own, surviving and celebrating.

After thirty minutes, the tape switched abruptly to a recording of West Side Story, loud and bright and jarring. Thinking about how everyone on that tape meant nothing to me, but to someone else they were a whole world, I watched on for a few minutes; speechless, moved and strangely sad.

Listening to show tunes on the radio, but they all seem to be quiet and sad, with piano being played by people with feathers for fingers. The soundtrack to that moment of loneliness, or lost love, or doubt. Not something I can throw my arms out and vamp around to, hollering along out of tune and imagining I'm meaning something, all the time.

But it's Sunday and it's raining, more like November than late August, and I suppose that's reason or explanation enough.




I feel like things are dying all around. I start work on Tuesday, but not at the job I was meant to. Different nursery, now, and nine-hour days. Swapping helping with math homework for playing with blocks, pretending spoonfuls of food are aeroplanes and reading stories before naptime. Terrified and feeling low, but not sure if it's only because of that. I think I might have made a mistake, but at least the new job pays so well that if I only stick it out until January, I'll have made enough to pay for Europe, and then I'll just have to contend with having a seven-month vacation before uni. I have no idea now how often I say "at least I'll have learned a lesson." I can't be a grownup, I have no idea how.

Back from France! I've been before, but it was nice to go back (even if I'm not as big a fan of France as I am of Spain & the US).

This isn't a post about Paris, though (far too tired for that!), it's a meme! Yeah, yeah. There's a little something in it for you too, though.

i. Pick 20 of your favorite movies.
ii. Go to IMDB and find a quote from each movie.
iii. Post them here for everyone to guess.
iv. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.

Adding a bonus v. Anyone who gets any of the trickier ones right (3, 9, 12 or 15) gets to request a drabble, and whoever gets the most right of the rest can as well. :D

Annoyingly, my favourite movies don't span many genres, so for the right person this list might be far too easy, I don't know. That said, I didn't want to use movies that weren't my favourites just to make it harder, so.

( Here they are )

ETA: Whoa, you guys are fast. But all two of the difficult ones are still left, so don't give up!

ETA: prize drabble for animefreak42 stitch [mean girls, regina/cady, consent issues, r]

Not a newsflash: it's been almost three years, and I still smile uncontrollably whenever I see Spencer Smith smile. It's sort of hilarious.


Newsflash: leaving for Paris in 30 minutes!

I am endlessly charmed by my mother.

MOTHER: [looking up at Fall Out Boy poster above my bed] So, you know Fall Out Boy.

ME [not looking up from DS]: Yeah, what about them?

MOTHER: Does that one in the back - with the blue shoes - does he have "sleeves" as well?

(She says "sleeves" with a little pause and strange emphasis, because it's a word she's learned from my sister and me, and she's not sure about it)

ME: Oh, Joe? Yeah. The only one who doesn't is - see the one on the end, with the hat? Patrick. Patrick doesn't.

MOTHER: Uh huh. [moment's pause] So Pete has sleeves?

(She's confident in Pete. She saw him outside our show in Dublin, and was bemused by how amused and excited we were by this)

ME: Well. It's like, one and a half sleeves. One full arm, and then the other is kind of. Well, it never got finished? So there's... gaps.

MOTHER: Hmm. His partner was pregnant, right?

ME: Who, Ashlee? Ashlee Simpson, yeah. She had the baby a while ago. Little boy.

MOTHER: What did they call him?

ME: Um. Bronx Mowgli.

MOTHER: Wait, what. What was that first word?

ME: Bronx. Like the Bronx, in New York.

MOTHER: Uh huh... And what else?

ME: Mowgli.

MOTHER: Like the Jungle Book?

ME: Yep. Cause they... Really like the Jungle Book.

MOTHER: [ruminates on this for a second] ...so he's Bronx Wentz.

ME: Well. Yes?

MOTHER: They called that poor child BRONX WENTZ?

ME: Well, it isn't the most well thought out name ever, I'll give you that. I'm not sure if maybe he's Bronx Simpson-Wentz, maybe.

MOTHER: [spluttering] Bronx Wanks, I mean, come on.

ME: [collapsing in laughter] AHAHAHAH WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY

MOTHER: I DIDN'T EVEN DO THAT ON PURPOSE! SEE HOW EASILY THAT HAPPENED!

ME: [cannot speak]

MOTHER: [sighs] And you look up to these people.

Okay, universe. I get it. I know what you're trying to tell me.

I'm going to do something about it, okay? You don't have to break up my favourite bands and ruin my favourite movie franchises anymore.

I get the message. It starts today.




(I saw Transformers 2. You shouldn't. It's disgustingly racist, sexist nonsense. I only stayed until the end to lend credit to my argument when I tell people to steer clear.)

The only thing I can focus on is this: Ryan and Spencer aren't in the same band anymore.

Ryan and Spencer aren't in the same band anymore.


I hope that's enough to let you know how I feel about the split. You know, all the time I think "if Pete and Ashlee break up, I stop believing in true love" but I never even THOUGHT to worry about these guys.

Not only am I not dead, I am in fact kind of wonderful!

Things what have happened:

01. I finished high school forever! (i.e. I took my last final exam). That was Thursday 18th, just passed, so things have kind of been a whirlwind since then.

I've kept busy - did some charity bagpacking in a supermarket, went clubbing to celebrate (and spent most of the time looking at everyone else and thinking how fabulous it is to just sit and drink a Coke and look at people! To be presented with outrageous fashion choices and personality traits without having to do anything! Amazing). Went to a family get-together and spent the day playing with five kids under the age of ten (INSANE, but awesome. I discovered a new talent for pushing the swings).

02. I called up about a job and got an interview! I won't get the job, but come on, that's aces - an interview! It's a job in a nursery, which PLEASE GOD I WANT IT SO BADDDD, but I won't get it (too young/not enough experience/no childcare qualifications). Still! I feel like a grownup! I'm totally going to put on my best interview clothes - all black, low heels, hair pulled back - and walk in there like Beyoncé, like bitches you KNOW you want to hire this, all ready to talk up an awesome game, because I really want to at least feel like the only reason I didn't get the job is because I can't wave certificates around (which, being 18 and freshly out of full-time education, is hardly anything I could have done much about).

03. So now the rest of my life has started! I'll be out of regular education until September 2010, which is kind of terrifying but also very exciting! People don't usually get this kind of opportunity until they're retiring, so I intend to really accomplish some stuff. I'll be working as soon as I can get a job, but probably not more than about 20 hours a week, and considering I did 35 hours a week at school (plus homework/study time which would easily have made it a 50 hour week) that's going to be a massive change.

I plan to finish my novel and start a new diet and exercise plan. Now I'll have more time and be less stressed, there's no better opportunity to try to naturally cure my sleep problems. I'll have a bedtime for the first time in my life since I was about nine (midnight) and I'll get up regularly to run in the early morning (best time). No food or caffeine after 7pm, to help the sleeping, which will BLOW, but I'm willing to do it to get regular sleep. I'm hoping eventually to lose about 40 pounds and get off the depression medication, and generally have more energy.

I'm on course to pass my driving test this September, and generally everything's wonderful. I'm really pleased with how things are going, I'm excited about the year out and excited about going to uni at the end of it. Every day I'm more certain about myself, who I am, what I want, what's important. None of it's going to be easy, but with a good routine, some commitment and a positive outlook, I really think it's all achievable, which is ah! So exciting.

Heartscientist is closed for now! Doing some life renovations, and I'm basically locking up the shop while I do. Sorry about the stories, I hope you can understand. I know it bites if you're looking for something &the author has locked it, I really do apologise. They'll hopefully be unlocked again some time soon.

♥